One of my pet peeves is when graphic designers try to be clever and just end up making the copy look stupid (see “What happens when your designer has more power than your writer” and “Designed to annoy“). Here’s the latest example to offend my sensibilities:
The unfinished, upside-down, wrong-way-round F clef in “Guitar”, I can just about live with. (more…)
These days, even cleaning the loo offers no escape from corporate jargon. This company doesn’t just make bleach, it “delivers” all sorts of corporate clichés, such as “innovation”, “long-term sustainabillity” (short-term sustainability being what, I wonder?), and “commitment“.
They should have stuck with the copywriter who came up with “Spray & Wipe”.
A reader forwarded the following copy to me, hoping I could explain to him what the company responsible for it actually did. They lost me at “turnkey” – can anyone else help?
Your Turnkey Source For Highly Customized Internet Marketing Solutions
Plug into a proven source of interactive success through xxxxx, your dedicated partner on the Web. Rely on us to provide a full spectrum of Internet marketing solutions, precisely engineered to meet your needs. At xxxxx, we treat each and every phase of your interactive marketing program as a meticulous science – leveraging the latest technology, resource tools, and consumer trends to maximize your return on investment. Because the success of our clients is so pivotal to our own continued growth and vitality, we strive to deliver the highest level of service at every touch point.
Whatever they do, I think I’ll pass on the invitation to be part of their continued growth and vitality. Because impressed as I am with their meticulously scientific, precisely engineered, full-spectrum, solution-filled, resource-tooled and highly leveraged approach, I’m quite choosy about who I let near my touch points.
Usually, I write about bad copy on this blog, but today I give you one of the best pieces of writing I’ve ever read.
If you’re interested in the goings-on on Wall Street (which is to say, if you’re interested in whether you’ll still have a job this time next year), you’ll know it:
“The first thing you need to know about Goldman Sachs is that it’s everywhere. The world’s most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.” – Matt Taibbi, “The Great American Bubble Machine”, Rolling Stone, July 2009
Brilliant, isn’t it? The urgency of “the first thing you need to know”, and its implication that this is just one of many things the author will reveal about his subject. That startling, unforgettable and now famous image of the vampire squid, which I’ve quoted numerous times at dinner parties and which is up there with chunks of Prufrock in my list of lines I could roll around my tongue all day. It’s an opening that screams “read on”.
Even better, Taibbi’s words have stung the bank that we all (even – or, rather, especially – other bankers) love to hate. Released this week, Goldman Sachs’ 2009 Annual Report included a letter to shareholders, in which Goldman defends itself against Taibbi’s accusation that the bank bet against its own clients.
The document reveals a Goldman Sachs that dances with the elderly, takes children to the zoo and “makes a meaningful contribution to the growth of businesses, local communities and the global economy” (is there any more meaningless adjective than that “meaningful”, which crops up 11 times in the document?).
A Goldman Sachs whose “client-focused”, “performance-driven” employees understand that “engagement furthers sustainability” (no, I’ve no idea what it means either, but it does sound vaguely like the sort of thing I’d find in a leaflet from my local Council – deliberately so, I’m sure).
Forget about the Goldman Sachs whose dodgy deal bankrupted Greece. This Goldman Sachs sprinkles its financial fairy dust on the needy of all nations. It’s a Goldman Sachs whose “innovative solutions” and “culture of commitment” have defended UK pensioners, built schools in California, lent a helping hand to the US’s troubled motor and aviation industries, and saved thousands of jobs in India. A Goldman Sachs that does what you might expect your government to do (did they not realise that when people call them Government Sachs that’s not, like, in a good way?).
The document tries to depict a non-vampiric Goldman Sachs whose “first priority” is serving clients. But 178 pages of defensive, corporate cliché-ridden prose later and I can still picture that blood funnel, still smell that money.
Copywriters, there’s a lesson there somewhere.
You! Yes, you! You want a celebrity body, don’t you?
Look at that gorgeous girl above – isn’t that a body that screams POWER!!
What’s that? You’re over 55? Oh, I’m sorry, we’ve got a different leaflet for you. Here, take this one:
Yes, yes, I know most women under the age of 30 would kill for Helen Mirren’s abs, but this leaflet’s much more suited to someone open quotes young at heart close quotes.
We really want you to know that we’re prepared to embrace you into our community. Especially someone as ladylike/gentlemanly as you.
Look, we’ve even gone so far as to crack open the big friendly hand-writing font from our folder marked “patronising community engagement ideas”.
See that old girl on the front – it changed her life (what little she’s got left of it, of course).
Not convinced? Read on:
Social interaction – imagine that! After all, being an unfit old crone really chips away at your confidence, doesn’t it? Especially when all your friends have died!
There’s more! In fact, it deserves another friendly font and lots of exclamation marks!!!
Everything all right, dear? I SAID, EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT DEAR?
WHAT’S THAT? HELEN MIRREN, YOU SAY? YES, SHE’S A NICE YOUNG LADY, ISN’T SHE?
I spotted the following text on a website that advertises projects being put out to tender for local businesses. Do let me know in the comments if you think you understand what the job actually entails.
I’ve cut and pasted it exactly as it appeared, though for your reading pleasure, I’ve annotated the most egregious bits.
About the Opportunity:
********** urgently require an associate(s) to deliver our ******* project as below. Once shortlisted you will be asked to provide an appropriate quote.
Goods/works/services we need to buy
AIMS OF THE PROJECT
The project will be delivering against the following activities:
******** is a brand new project where the Focus is on specialist environmental supportand and will bridge the gap between mainstream Business London Support programme and instrumental innovation programmes, [Instrumental innovation - yay, my favourite kind of innovation!] especially those emerging through the London Development Agency (LDA
[Now we've got off to a bad start here because random capitalisation, sloppy punctuation and a disregard for where words begin and end count as environmental pollution in my book.]
TARGET GROUPS
Start up, Micro – Small businesses (approx 50 employees)
OVERVIEW
The project will have a special focus on SMEs in Food, Creative, Technology and Environmental sectors.
The project builds upon existing services provided.[But we won't tell you what those services are because that would make it too easy.] Supporting the development of business-led networks/networking to encourage collaboration and cross-sector innovation. [Still lovin' all this innovation - especially now I know it's "cross-sector innovation"]For Start up, Micro – Small businesses to work towards a sustainable greener business.SME must be over 12mths trading
Program is a process of business development with an environmental sustainable innovative approach. [Oh, I get it, for this bit you just wrote a load of buzzwords on separate pieces of paper, put them in a bag, shook it up and wrote them down in the order they came out. Nice work! Great that you got "innovative" in there, too - this project wasn't sounding innovative enough to me before now.]
size / scale of our requirements
DELIVERY of OUTPUTS
51 – Provision of a minimum level of assistance of at least two days. [Two days' work between now and summer 2011? Me likey the sound of that? Or is that two days x 51? I'm confused. Either way, though, I like the whole idea of providing a minimum level of assistance.]
5 – A first involvement between at least one SME and one knowledge base organisation, achieving the minimum level of assistance. [Hang on, I won't even be expected to "provide" a minimum level of assistance - merely "achieve" it? Liking the fact that your expectations are so low. That might come in handy as I've no idea what a "knowledge base organisation" is. Or, for that matter, a "first involvement".]
20 – SMEs disseminating and facilitating knowledge transfer, providing achieving the minimum level of assistance. [Oh, I get it, now you're equivocating on me about the whole "minimum level of assistance" thing. C'mon, what's it to be? Because I'm really not sure what "disseminating and facilitating knowledge transfer" involves either, and wouldn't like to commit to anything beyond my skill-set (as you would surely call it)]
7 – SMEs referred directly to environmental business support partners to support environmental improvements.
5 – SMES actually undertaking environmental management opportunities.
9 – Jobs Created.
5 – Innovation related Jobs Created. [Hey, I want one of these Innovation related Jobs - they sound much cooler than what I'm doing now.]
1 – Number of Innovation Related projects [Ditto!]
17 – Jobs Safeguarded
1 – Number of businesses integrating new products/services
13 – Businesses with improved performance
We require quality standards / essential requirements as follows
EXPERIENCE / ESSENTIAL
• Must be SFEDI accredited Business Advisor
• Must be qualified to access / deliver Environmental advise. [But poor spelling we can live with.]
• Must can demonstrate track record of similar type delivery. [Must or can - which is it to be? Because, you know, we're all a bit creative with our CVs, aren't we? And do I get to choose what type of type I deliver? I like serif types best.]
• Must be able to meet tight deadlines
• Must be very proactive
• Must have access / contacts already within North London Environmental sector
• Must have access / deliver Environmental workshops in:
o Business Environmental Planning
o Financial Planning
o Innovative Environmental presentation [You've reverted to that bag with the bits of paper in it again, haven't you? Good to know "innovative" is still in there though.]
o Knowledge base transfer and others [Can I get away with just accessing/delivering the "others" bit of this, please? Because, you know, as we've already established, I'm a bit lacking in the whole "knowledge base transfer" area.]
Start: ASAP
Completion Date: Summer 2011
I’ve always been suspicious of management theory. As someone who spent six long years doing a properly researched PhD at a properly old university in a properly useless and obscure subject, it’s hard not to find all those pseudo-academic, multisyllabic explanations of how to get stuff done at work faintly ridiculous.
So you can imagine how thrilled I was when a reader alerted me to the following publication, created in affiliation with the business school of one of America’s top universities:
Regular readers will spot at least three words and phrases in there that have already appeared on my long list of words that should be banned. So let’s dispense with them first, shall we? They are:
Impact (verb) – as you will know by now, most of the time this word is used by people who are too lazy to learn the difference between “affect” and “effect”.
Bandwidth – a silly piece of corporatese, rescued in this instance only by the provision of a definition. Better still, for those of us who like to laugh at the more ridiculous examples of the office lexis, said definition doesn’t disappoint. Bandwidth, it turns out, is “your repertoire of techniques for moving adaptive change forward in your organization”. So now you know.
Key learnings – corpspeak for “important lessons”, which elicits in the reader the “key learning” that the user of the phrase “key learnings” is semi-literate at best. (Heck, even as I type, my autocorrect wants to stick an apostrophe in the non-plural that is “learnings”).
But there’s still more to savour in this wonderfully ridiculous piece of copy. Take the whole concept of “adaptive change”, for a start. I’ve no idea what “adaptive change” is – let alone what it means to “lead” it or to “move it forward”, but I strongly suspect it to be tautological.
And while we’re on the subject of tautology, does anyone else detect repetition in the phrase “the self-imposed limitations you place”?
But you’ll probably forgive such linguistic indiscretions, under the flattering gaze of three authors who are able to perceive the “complex system that is you”. I can’t decide if this phrase sounds new-agey (a reference to your chakras, say) or pseudo-biological (an allusion to the links between your gut and your liver and the fine balancing act performed by your kidneys, perhaps).
I wonder if it’s the latter, given that the guide being described will enable you to “diagnose” your “repertoire of techniques”. What, you’re still talking about your “skill-set”? The corporate idiom has moved on, my friend. You’re an artist now – the Maxim Vengerov of office life – with a whole “repertoire” at your disposal. It’s just a shame that in this mangled mixed metaphor your repertoire, unlike Vengerov’s, has also become a disease.
Never mind, at least you’ll be able to draw on techniques that “span the spectrum from graceful and inspired rhetoric to in-your-face confrontation”.
For what better way to engage your colleagues in the process of adaptive change than by terrifying them with your schizophrenic ability to flip between a sweet-tongued Cicero, always ready with an inspiring aphorism about adaptive change, and an effing and blinding bully trained in the management school of “just do it because I said so”.
But, as the authors argue, changing the world – and people’s familiar reality – is difficult, dangerous work, requiring you to get outside your comfort zone.
Perhaps my PhD was the easy option after all.
It’s one thing to let a spelling mistake creep into a typed document, but quite another to go to the trouble of baking a cake, covering it with marzipan and carefully icing the thing – only to pipe some garbled message on your lovingly crafted creation.
To see what I mean, do check out the latest post on the truly wonderful Cake Wrecks blog.
Bad copy never tasted so good!
The page below looks nice enough, doesn’t it? But read the text closely and you’ll see it’s a great example of how not to talk to your customers.
Here are the comments I feel like writing in the box. (more…)
